Finally and Regardless: How Time and Habits Intersect

 At over 60 meditations upon my time within this personal city of Oran via a global pandemic, to day the gates open, and there is no parade, no reunion, ...and no definitive ending.

Here it is, the end of this journal, a moment I originally expected to be months later, then just one month later than it would happen. Here it is, finally and regardless, my official end to my quasi-monastic existence of the past fifteen months.

I started this because the book "The Plague" changed my life, giving me hope to fight against the absurdity of life, suffering and death. In my own way, I wanted to be like Dr. Rieux and just write down what life was life in the time of plague. While I would have preferred to write about a fifteen month world tour doing Music all over the globe, Fate gave me something way different, so I shook its hands and agreed to do my best. While I cannot say i did my best, or whether this has any value or merit, I believed I had no choice. It was time to write what it was like for me and what I saw and felt during this extreme time.

Yes, you are correct, I did not have to live so isolated from the world. But I am not much of a gambler and one was allowing to push Fortune's hand. Remember this: if you did not go out during this time, the odds were in your favor to live and have other people live. While it was extreme, one had to remember that you were not gambling with your life, but the lives of others you lived with and simply came in contact with. Anything could happen, so one had to rebel against it as best one could. 

As of this writing, there are 594,000 deaths due to Covid in the United States. The number shall go to 600,000 by the end of June. There have been 36,250,000 cases in the USA alone. This number shall also rise.The attitude of personal freedom over the safety and health of the collective whole could very well cause another burst of spread in the country. For now, at least, things are getting better.

In the end, I was saved by kindness, letters to be precise. This may sound arcane, but what saved my soul from truly breaking was having friends to write to. To be able to communicate deeply with others was food for my soul. To those people, to all they gave via their written word, I am forever grateful.

I am angry that I did so little with my "free" time, but now, I see, it was about survival. My world, as I had existed in it, was gone. I was a fish in a massive lake that wound up in a fish tank. In the beginning, I was within the momentum of the former way of life, internally living within an open vista. It too months of banging my head against the walls of the tank to realize that any straight line I was swimming in was just a circle. There were early hopes and dreams of cleaning and fixing up the house and online classes and...a thousand other things. But when you are granted a never ending amount of open tomorrows that are as same as the day before, you can keep putting it off. In the end, I realized that I rebelled the best I could, by surviving. 

There is no grand celebration of exit. Unlike the book, there is no collective celebration, just an ability to go back into the stream of humanity. This lack of a cohesive liberation makes it odd to say the least. Yes, we were all at risk, but this is a vast country, not a small town like Oran. But like the book, the wealthy went through this without much sacrifice and the poor were devastated. The massive unemployment and people in need of food was crushing. For the record, we are still hurting, but as things open up, the suffering is easing a bit.

I am grateful that I did not lose anyone I know to the pandemic. Yes, there were fringe people who passed away, but everyone within my inner circle was spared. For this, I am so very grateful. I waited until I got my first injection to begin to be at ease with that, as the book has the death of Tarrou happen at the end. The strange history of my life would have seemed to dictate that something so dark would have happened. Again, I am grateful that I have been spared that sorrow as I know hundreds of thousands of others were not.

It is expected that one should learn from such an experience. Have I learned anything? Yes, I have, but those lessons are going to arise as I go back out into the world and experience it. If anything, I have learned I could exist without doing what I have dedicated my life to for most of my life. I say "existed" because I did not feel as alive as I used to in the past. Being in solitude makes one confront thoughts and emotions that motion and habit conceal. And I have had to confront things that I did not want to within this stream of endless time within repetition. It was not a habit via desire, but one out of necessity that was forever driven in part by a fear of illness and death within the outside world. It is going to take time to have that constant stress fade and a clarity within peacefulness take hold again.

From here in my life, there is an unknown within a familiar landscape. I have lost most of my income and will have to see if my life's work can continue. Reinvention is a place I know I will have to go. I would fear it f there was a possibility that I did not have to go there. But there is no option. The old ways of my life are gone and it may be years before it gets back to most of what it was. As it was decaying before the plague came, I have extreme doubts that the arts will have a massive re-birth, especially live music. But I could be wrong, and I hope I am. Only time will tell.

The one dark blessing from going to so many funerals in my life is the understanding that, regardless of what one feels or desires, life goes on, even if that life is one of disgust and misery. For this I am grateful. It may seem out of place or bad form to be grateful for anything coming from loss and sorrow, but one must take what one can from death and mourning. As Camus said, the Universe is indifferent to it all, so physics allow the sun to rise again and for food to taste good. You get what you can, no?

This is a society without much tradition and culture, so these events will be given an even lighter touch than the plagues of before. We will all just move on. There is already a feeling that the pandemic is gone and life can just edited back into the way it was before all this. Then again, I have never heard of anyone speak of the previous pandemic, so....

This country is healing enough to survive, but not to thrive. The plague of intolerance is still very alive and well. This is exactly what was said at the end of the novel, that the plague bacillus is never really gone, just staying dormant and silent. The hatred and rebellion that invaded the capital of the USA on January 6 of this year was the beginning bloom of what has been with us for a very long time. While things are quiet now, the darkness that burst forth is still very much around and will, like the plague and Covid, come back again in some form.

 Let it be known that one CAN survive in a fish tank, but it is not joyful. And that is what I missed the most, the feeling of joy that I would get so many times in my life. I am not talking about happiness, but joy, that feeling where one's soul is swelling with  bliss and wonder of the moment. Perhaps there were moments, but they were subdued at best. These past many months was about survival, and while joy can arrive where it wishes, it is impossible to reach for the sun when the sky is a seemingly eternal grey.

In the end, what remains is both the presence and echoes of the love and presence that once was. The former with be the thread that guides the soul out, while the latter will be what one finds in the outgoing maze that has no walls.  I will start by visiting friends and having meals with them. I will start writing in earnest again. And, like Dr. Rieux, I will get on with life, carrying the memories and experiences of all this with me. I can only help that it will make me a more grateful person for everything I took for granted and, if one can learn anything from all this, it is that nothing that brings joy should ever be taken for granted.

So, thank you, dear reader, for following me along this road. I hope you found some camaraderie in all that I have written. If anyone reading this has not lived through it, know I have done my best to tell what this was like from my perspective and not be too emotional over it. All this has been a homage to Albert Camus. It may have worked. it may have failed. Regardless, I wrote  it all down as best I could. In the end, I would ask one thing of you all: appreciate all the things you take for granted because, as this has shown, it can all vanish without warning and one cannot change it, only survive until it is all over.

Be kind to each other as well. This world needs such a simple and beautiful thing.

 Take care.

And I thank you....

Waiting in the Exit Room

 When I felt the needle prick my skin, I finally realized that I would be leaving soon.

I got my second vaccine shot a few days go and today my wife got hers. Now, we are both officially waiting to be released into the open world. While I knew I was going to get the second shot, I could not believe that it would actually happen until I actually got it. Part of me believed that, for whatever reason, things would just not work out. Even up to the point where I was standing in line at the hospital, I just had a part of me that believed it was not going to happen. But it DID happen, and for that, I am so very grateful.

After feeling run down for two days, when my brain cleared, I realized that I was really on my way out. This unfolding nightmare of seclusion for the past fifteen months was going to end. But I could not really embrace it until my wife got her shot, making things truly ready for the end of all this. While I had expected to get vaccinated this year, I was still hanging onto what was sad early on, that this would happen in late Summer or early Autumn. Even when they announced the vaccine would be available soon, I told friends that I would be ready to be free again on the first day of Summer. So, I am literally surprised at every level.

But with this news, it is still not what I had hoped. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to be filled with disbelief upon my new reality. The larger problem is that the country itself looks like we will not reach herd immunity. We need at least 70% vaccinated and it looks like we may never get there. This act of selfish defiance at science will cause mutations that the present vaccines cannot stop. India is literally collapsing as I type this due to the virus running rampant. The official statistics are that they reached 400,000 cases a few days go, but everyone knows that number is much lower due to government lying. The new variant that has cropped up there spreads very very fast. It has already been found in Britain, the Americas, and other parts of Asia. So, there is that on the plate as well.

When I do leave, I am planning to see as many friends as I can as soon as possible. This monastic life has been crushing. But, I will wear a mask when I go to the supermarket and other places. Eating out is not on the schedule any time soon. There is still the reality that no vaccine makes one 100% immune and that one could get the virus and have permanent damage, even of you don't die. Again, even more things to consider once the gates open.

So, again, what does it feel like to know that freedom will be arriving after fifteen months of panic? Well, habit is stronger than we realize and I am still here and doing what I do and feel mostly the same. But I do have this odd internal sliver of lightness. It is very small, but something inside me knows that this will be over and I have to get used to that. Yes, that sounds odd, that I would need to get used to freedom, but it is true. About 90% of my life was deleted when this took hold and I am unsure about how to rebuild. It is rare that one has such a moment to start again. Perhaps now I understand what the characters said in "The Plague" when, upon hearing the news of the plague leaving is that they could all have a "fresh start". It was all theory for me before this, and now I understand. I have never been in such a situation before in my life.I am hoping that all these many months of crushing introspection and being deprived of what made up my life will have some reward and that I will have a better perspective on matters. 

But I am not there yet. I am waiting in the Exit Room and I promise to write on the day I leave.

Two Days Until....Limping Towards a Third Bethlehem

 There are two days until I get my first vaccine shot and I cannot totally fathom such a thing.

A few days ago, I received notice that I was able to sign up to get a vaccination appointment. While I was confused as it was not yet the date for everyone above the age of sixteen to get it, I jumped on it with a rabid ferocity, even it was just a fever dream or hallucination of some sort. Whatever. It felt good just thinking about it.

So, my appointment is 40 minutes away this Monday. I have NO PROBLEM driving that distance to start my journey to freedom. But, as I have found out, this whole situation is unlike anything I have ever experienced.

To begin, it has been fourteen months of living in solitude fearing the possibility of death or livelong health damage from the virus. That is the cycle of four seasons of habits learned in fear and self-preservation. This is now beyond a cute habit of behavior. This is baked into the system. While the thought of a cure and a turnaround were forever being thrown into the wishing well, the reality of being able to survive within a space never before conceived of began to have its own ease of presence. Habit, as Beckett has said, is a great deadener. The landscape where I had built my creative life and theoretical future is gone. While it is slowly being rebuilt, it is not going to be the same for some time. This leads to the next part...

At the end of Albert Camus' "The Plague", there is a massive celebration because the virus is leaving. Yes, the beloved friend of Dr. Rieux, Tarrou, dies, but the end of the novel  presents the reality of the two sided coin: the plague is gone for now/the plague never leaves. In our case here in 2021, we are not allowed to have any real moment of rebirth, at least not yet. The vaccine is not 100% effective, so there is the remote chance that one could get ill from the plague even if inoculated. However, due to the fact that there are many who shall not get the vaccine, the new mutations of the virus could place many of those who get the vaccine into a bad state of possibility. That is to say, if enough mutations happen and are able to circumvent the vaccine, we shall not be back to square one, we shall now be BEHIND that and into Negative Numbers. 

And what does getting the vaccine even mean other than one's odds are increased? Masks must still be worn when going out and there are many who will not get vaccinated. One can eat in a restaurant, but not all of them are open. One can travel, but not everywhere in the world. This is not the victory march of the people in Oran when they opened the gates. We are not gloriously marching towards Bethlehem and salvation. Also note, there are TWO Bethlehems, and we are limping towards neither. A portion of this country is working towards a life that is safe and without fear being the leading driver. However, another segment of this country whose population is substantial, lives in fear and has no plan to change the paradigm of a fear and paranoia based culture. As Tarrou has said, these people already have Plague. The big difference is within our present situation, these people love the plague without reserve.

In under two days, if all goes well and nothing happens, I will be getting my first shot of the vaccine. I am more than aware that nothing is going to change that day, nor the next, nor even for the next seven weeks at best. All that will happen is that with each drawing day, my odds will improve. That's it. Period. But that's all it ever has been and will ever be, improving on odds where the House forever wins. Every casino makes sure that, in the end, the majority of the players will lose. That's why it's called "gambling" and not "Assistance Check". If you play long enough at any game, you will lose. And, as Freud said, the one thing each living creature does is die in order to complete and fulfill the cycle of life. However, we want to be at the table as long as possible.

Come Monday, the entire United States will be opening up the vaccine to everyone over the age of 16. This is the most drastic move towards changing the tide of this plague since it began. And, one would think, that this would be a moment where people would be literally climbing over one another, getting into car accidents, etc etc, just to get to the vaccine of this horrible virus. It would make sense that the human spirit would be leaping at the chance to stay alive at all costs.

Allow me to state the following here and now: As of this writing, THAT IS NOT HAPPENING! Yes, we are getting vaccinated, there is no joyous stride into and out of the vaccination sites. The world has yet to change and many refuse to change for the betterment of the masses. This country is not running towards salvation and rejuvenation of life, but limping towards a place of salvation that does not exist as far as we know. 

I am going to drive down and walk into the hospital and get my shot...and never ever slouch upon my journey towards a life away from the dark shadow of this plague. 

Pandemic Legacy: A Year Without Memories

 Looking back over the past year, there isn't really much to see, at least not yet.

Yes, we are now past the one year anniversary with well over half a million dead from the plague, and yes, many states have lifted all restrictions due to the vaccine now being available. So, there is a  vague scent of hope wafting in the late Winter air. But it has been such a long time without past references that there is no dancing in the streets, no real joy. In fact, someone I know just got the virus and was knocked down for a week. Make no mistake, we are not in any way out of the woods.

Looking back on the past year, I honestly cannot recall anything specific. It has all blurred together into some amorphic blob of time. Maybe it is some form of trauma response that is causing it? Maybe it is just for those of us who led an almost monastic life for all this time? We will only know after all this is over, if then. 

It is insane to think that the end is literally a fraction of the time in seclusion, but it seems to be out of reach. I say that while even knowing people who have been fully vaccinated! We have drawn down into the singular, that is to say, unless it happens to me, I'll believe it. While this attitude is not good when facing a pandemic, it seems odd when one is about to leave it.

Because this is a massive country dealing with it and not a singular city as in "The Plague, there will not be a singular even that will announce that it is over. People will slowly be getting it and one by one the liberation will happen. I am almost certain that when the year ends, there will be some sort of mass celebration, most likely on New Year's Eve to finally have a communal ritualistic farewell to this season of pestilence. Face it, we like celebrations.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but I am planning on ending this when I am finally allowed to go out into the world, which would mean three weeks after my final vaccination. At that point, I'll cross over into the land of the liberated and be allowed into the new old world. 

But that may not be for some time and all that is left is waiting. I am sure that the number of infections will rise with many people no longer caring, but I am going to stay put and go for the long game victory. 

That being said, the idea of "a long time" is something I am no longer sure I understand anymore.

A Birthday During Pandemic

 Like everyone else, I am today having a birthday under the reign of the pandemic...and it sucks.

While I am not one to look forward to celebrate the anniversary of my birth, getting out of the house and going out distracts the mind and reminds one of a greater world. This one is without that. But, this is a decision to take a hit for the team, not an absolute need.

We have just shipped a new Johnson and Johnson one shot, 75% effective vaccine. Even though there are still over 1,000 deaths a day, states are opening up most (if not all) public gathering places with limited capacity. As I type this, the news is stating that there is a worry about another wave coming with Spring Break coming up and the restrictions loosening. I will venture to guess that there will be an uptick because the numbers do not mean as much anymore. A year ago, these numbers would strike fear into everyone. Now, it seems like nothing, a few unseen losses that are nothing compared to a return to restricted freedom. The numbers now mean nothing, trust me on that.

Personally, this time of year always makes me reflect on the past years, especially the one I am leaving behind. This year it became a psychological and emotion void. I can compare this past year to no other, so all reference points are gone. What did I do. Nothing of any great note. No major projects, no major changes. I stayed inside. I needed to remind myself that making the sacrifice of isolation when one is able to is the biggest thing one can do. Still, it is hard to make that seemingly paradoxical leap that doing nothing means doing something.

A year from now, if I am allowed to see my next birthday, this will most likely seem like a strange fever dream. Habits will return and now dry rivulets of experience shall either begin to run and/or new ones will arrive. In order to survive, humanity pushes the darker moments far away so as to focus on the present and make plans for the future. I doubt that any of us shall speak of it much, as the danger to our lives will be gone. Even now, the only real discussion about the virus is asking everyone if they got it yet, not about the infections and deaths that are still going on. The light at the end of the tunnel has become the focal point, not the distance to reach it.

So, my birthday shall come and go as all the other days have: wake, do a shadow of what my work once was, finish the day by watching news and late night shows on the computer. Then, forcing oneself to got to sleep and repeat the same process. I am also taking note that I should be grateful, very grateful, that I am still alive and never got the virus. But that prayer of thanks that should be a trumpet call of joy is now a mumble, as it has been said day after day for the past year. How strange that one can grow weary of a sincere prayer of gratitude for not dying...

When the great unfolding begins, it will most likely be slow and in stages. It is unlikely that there will be a major celebration on a specific day, though my guess is that there will be an epic New Year's Eve celebration when heard immunity is in full stand and all families can gather again. We will exit 2021 with the belief that this is all behind us, never to return. 

On this birthday, I wish to just be able to keep going to see the end of this, to live to tell the tale and thrive after it is gone. The world is going to change, as we will be living with the changes this past year put into place from here on out. Maybe there will be, as has happened during previous plagues, a season of great rebirth? Maybe? 

My birthday wish is to never forget this time and to be grateful every single day I am done with this exile within my own life.

Central Park: Full of Ghosts

 By the time I post this, the number of deaths from the pandemic will be at 500,000, half a million dead. Can you grasp such a number? Can you?

Back in the early 1980's, I remember listening to a live broadcast of the Simon and Garfunkel reunion concert in Central Park, NYC. The news came out that there were half a million people at the concert, a mind bending amount that not even Simon or Garfunkel knew until they were back at their separate apartments after the show and were watching the news. They could not comprehend that number, and they were in the middle of it. Well, I don;t think that we cna comprehend it for the same reason.

In a short time, it will be a year since the lock down. I don;t think there is a person out there who does not know of someone who has not gotten the virus, been hospitalized by it, or died from it. But, when there is no way of stopping the numbers from rising, perspective becomes impossible. One only fully begins to understand the destruction of war once armistice has been called. The amount of winning or loss only comes from one leaves the gambling table. We are in the middle of this and it is far from ending.

Let me clarify that last statement. I know of people who have gamed the system and gotten the vaccine even though they do not fit the requirements to get it. Yes, they lied and got the vaccine. It seems easy enough if you are willing to drive over an hour to get it. While I am more than willing to drive that far, I just can't do such a thing because of, well, karma. Yes, there are debates that it does not matter because if it is not used, the vaccine will be disposed of at the end of the day. Fair enough to the lucky few who wind up in the right place at the right time and get it. But, it just feels very smarmy to lie and get it early.

There is a long road till this is over in full. The news is saying that, by the present calculations, by the end of the Summer, most people will have gotten the vaccine. But, life going back to anything close to normal will not happen by the end of the year. Also note, Winter will begin at the end of December, so vaccines will most likely be needed again for the new year. I have been isolated so long that I cannot comprehend the Summer, much less another Winter. The days just flow onward the same as the previous. Anything that you may want to do today, you can just put off till tomorrow. 

But let's follow the money for the real plan. As I was driving home from the post office, I heard that the behemoth concert promoter, Clear Channel, has booked many outdoor shows in NYC for the Summer. I believe that I have heard that the NYC Opera will be opening in the Autumn. There are millions and millions of dollars at stake and these organizations are desperate to get back to making money, so their best guess seems to be something of a safe bet. The numbers of deaths and infections IS going down, but the new variants of the virus may cause another spike. Vaccine distribution, while better, is still a mess. 

So, if you get a chance, go online and search for Simon and Garfunkel's Concert in Central Park. The music is great and the stage setting is very cool. But, when they do a crowd shot or when you hear the crowd go bonkers for one of the songs, try to imagine a silence and mass death of that size. I am willing to bet you can't. No on can, as Camus said in "The Plague". As humans, we cannot comprehend the death of a single person in our lives that we care about. 

Half a million deaths and counting and we cannot even grasp the number 1.

On the Persistance of Time, Memory, and Habit

 I haven't posted in some time because....what is time these days?

I have taken my hit for the team and stayed in isolation for a year so as not to get, nor spread, the virus that is now mutating into a more virulent strain. But the "hit' for the team has broken me and I have lost all hold of my past life. And it sucks.

I understand that, on paper, this should now be the most hopeful of times. We have a new administration. We have three vaccines being produced for the masses. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. While all this is true, no one ever tells you how long the tunnel is, regardless of how brightt he light in the distance may be.

As of this writing, there are ways of cheating/gaming the system to have someone like me get a vaccine before I am supposed to. I could lie about my health, saying I am a smoker, I have high blood pressure, etc. If I did this, I could be considered someone who is at high risk and, if I were to hunt the internet and search like a bloodhound on meth for ANY opening ANYWHERE in New Jersey, I could get the vaccine and, within eight weeks, have my freedom back. I say this because I know of more than a few people who have gamed the system and gotten vaccinated early. Trust me, you can do it.

But this is not as cut and dry as it seems, or may seem. If one happens to be at a place that has extra vaccine at the end of the day, you can simply get it so they do not throw it away. It is literal Life Lottery. But even if you get it, even of you were allowed freedom upon the next sunrise, you would awaken into a world that is not what you used to have. You cannot go out to eat. All theaters are closed. All that you remembered as a life is gone, or, at the very least, deeply changed. That persistence of hopes and memories you have will not align with the world outside. You may be able to go to the gym as much as you like, but you will never be able to go see a play on Broadway or anywhere else. 

Also, riding demonic shotgun on this ride, is the fact that the news is now full of live reporting from the second impeachment of the past president. So, for the next many days, we shall be watching more and more of old and new footage of the insurrection that nearly collapsed the government a month ago.  And, like any prosecution worth their salt, the people are showing new and more disturbing footage of the events. Just when you thought you could breath easy, memories of a past most of us would like to forget are coming back and being put on repeat all day, every single day. While I believe that one should not forget the crimes of the past so as not to repeat them, it is all a bit much.

Personally, time has lost any reference to the past. I have slept more in the past year than I did the past ten. Literally. My life of caffeine and motion has been reduced to just doing what needs to be done for the day and nothing more. And I know that I am blessed because I can pull this off and not be thrown out of my house and still not go hungry. Yes, my perspective is blessed and I would be a horrible human being to say as such. Yet, it would be a lie to say that I am not broken by this situation. Even if my place is not one of either abject poverty or insane wealth, I believe it must be told. Why? Because I am sure that there are many other people like me who need their stories told within this plague.

I shall persist to go onward into this unknown. My best guess is, unless something amazing happens, I will be getting vaccinated somewhere in the Summer. But once one is vaccinated, you still have to stay inside for a few weeks to have the antibodies replicate. I look forward to writing about waiting within hope. But now, I am waiting within a theoretical hope based on things that have yet to even begin to develop.

Know you can persist within a plague, but know your memories and habits can be both bricks and wings upon your back.

The Numbers Keep Changing: The Poisons are Blooming

 We are now in a new year, and all the poisons are blooming.

I have not posted in some time for many reasons, one of them being the state of lethargy that consumed my during the holiday season. They days passed like all others have for the past ten months: inside and insular in every way. While the online video chats with people I miss were lovely, it was not the same.  There is a distance that is growing between everyone.

To make matters even worse, though by no means unexpected, a new and more virulent mutation of the virus has been found and is spreading. The first spotting was in London and very soon after was found in the US, more specifically in New York and other places. So, as this state borders NYC, the strain is most likely here. The numbers for the virus in this town are no longer being given, but there are people posting it online. There were 89 cases in this town yesterday. This means that things are ramping up and the wave is beginning to gain strength, but nowhere near here. But there is another thing to be spoken about. 

In past posts, I spoke about the underlying hum of a civil war coming. Well, it has arrived. On Wednesday, armed groups broke into the government buildings in Washington DC. It was surreal to watch this happen in real time while sitting on the couch. It was too much to process. As of this writing, five people have died, one a police officer who was beaten with a fire extinguisher. Without going into details that you can find everywhere else, there is more violence planned for the week of the inauguration, which is a week from now. Honestly, I was expecting more damage simply because it has been building for the past five years (actually more than that) and there were signs in the weeks before that were literally out in the open. 

In general, it seems that people are just overwhelmed by all that is going on. Let's not forget that there is a deep economic crisis going on now that is being hidden by the pandemic and now the political upheaval. We were broken before this week and now we are just numbly riding this wave. people are not wearing masks or not wearing them properly. Restaurants and gyms are still open. The vaccine is not getting administered in nearly the amount hoped for and the political unrest yet to come is going to make this even harder. 

So, it seems that we are headed into a full bloom of all the poisons out there. It is going to be a very dark winter. We did not take the virus nor the political unrest seriously when it could have been calmed before the deepest damage could be done. There is no way around it now, physics being what it is. The wave is coming and we cannot stop it.

Personally, I am just weary and numb. My life as I used to know it is gone. Even when this is over, it will be a long road out. I have no hope of a life better than it was before. At best, it will be a painful reunion with an open world of possibility. Before this multiple plague state, I was hoping for a new start in many ways. My life, while not perfect, was going in the right direction after making decisions for change. But that change was based on the income I had and the ability to be with other people. As it stands now, getting the vaccine and waiting enough time for it to take effect properly will happen in the Summer...hopefully. 

Whether or not we will admit it, there has been a fire raging since last March. As the free will of the people has chosen to ignore its ferocity, the roof is coming down and the gas lines are about to ignite. This fire, like all fires, destroys all that it can ignite and leaves behind either what it cannot reach or what cannot be taken down. What will stand in the end is what cannot be broken and all shall have to be rebuilt. 

And we must not forget what Dr. Rieux said at the end of "The Plague": 

And, indeed, as he listened to the cries of joy rising from the town, Rieux remembered that such joy is always imperiled. He knew what those jubilant crowds did not know but could have learned from books: that the plague bacillus never dies or disappears for good; that it can lie dormant for years and years in furniture and linen- chests; that it bides its time in bedrooms, cellars, trunks, and bookshelves; and that perhaps the day would come when, for the bane and the enlightening of men, it would rouse up its rats again and send them forth to die in a happy city.

I was hoping to place that quote at the end of this blog, but it seems that is not the case. We are living through both meanings of the text: an actual pandemic that is killing thousands each day and political upheaval that seems to be revolting for fascism. 

While I do not think that Camus ever could have imagined both being present at the same time, I am sure he would not have been surprised.