Waiting in the Exit Room

 When I felt the needle prick my skin, I finally realized that I would be leaving soon.

I got my second vaccine shot a few days go and today my wife got hers. Now, we are both officially waiting to be released into the open world. While I knew I was going to get the second shot, I could not believe that it would actually happen until I actually got it. Part of me believed that, for whatever reason, things would just not work out. Even up to the point where I was standing in line at the hospital, I just had a part of me that believed it was not going to happen. But it DID happen, and for that, I am so very grateful.

After feeling run down for two days, when my brain cleared, I realized that I was really on my way out. This unfolding nightmare of seclusion for the past fifteen months was going to end. But I could not really embrace it until my wife got her shot, making things truly ready for the end of all this. While I had expected to get vaccinated this year, I was still hanging onto what was sad early on, that this would happen in late Summer or early Autumn. Even when they announced the vaccine would be available soon, I told friends that I would be ready to be free again on the first day of Summer. So, I am literally surprised at every level.

But with this news, it is still not what I had hoped. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to be filled with disbelief upon my new reality. The larger problem is that the country itself looks like we will not reach herd immunity. We need at least 70% vaccinated and it looks like we may never get there. This act of selfish defiance at science will cause mutations that the present vaccines cannot stop. India is literally collapsing as I type this due to the virus running rampant. The official statistics are that they reached 400,000 cases a few days go, but everyone knows that number is much lower due to government lying. The new variant that has cropped up there spreads very very fast. It has already been found in Britain, the Americas, and other parts of Asia. So, there is that on the plate as well.

When I do leave, I am planning to see as many friends as I can as soon as possible. This monastic life has been crushing. But, I will wear a mask when I go to the supermarket and other places. Eating out is not on the schedule any time soon. There is still the reality that no vaccine makes one 100% immune and that one could get the virus and have permanent damage, even of you don't die. Again, even more things to consider once the gates open.

So, again, what does it feel like to know that freedom will be arriving after fifteen months of panic? Well, habit is stronger than we realize and I am still here and doing what I do and feel mostly the same. But I do have this odd internal sliver of lightness. It is very small, but something inside me knows that this will be over and I have to get used to that. Yes, that sounds odd, that I would need to get used to freedom, but it is true. About 90% of my life was deleted when this took hold and I am unsure about how to rebuild. It is rare that one has such a moment to start again. Perhaps now I understand what the characters said in "The Plague" when, upon hearing the news of the plague leaving is that they could all have a "fresh start". It was all theory for me before this, and now I understand. I have never been in such a situation before in my life.I am hoping that all these many months of crushing introspection and being deprived of what made up my life will have some reward and that I will have a better perspective on matters. 

But I am not there yet. I am waiting in the Exit Room and I promise to write on the day I leave.