Pandemic Legacy: A Year Without Memories

 Looking back over the past year, there isn't really much to see, at least not yet.

Yes, we are now past the one year anniversary with well over half a million dead from the plague, and yes, many states have lifted all restrictions due to the vaccine now being available. So, there is a  vague scent of hope wafting in the late Winter air. But it has been such a long time without past references that there is no dancing in the streets, no real joy. In fact, someone I know just got the virus and was knocked down for a week. Make no mistake, we are not in any way out of the woods.

Looking back on the past year, I honestly cannot recall anything specific. It has all blurred together into some amorphic blob of time. Maybe it is some form of trauma response that is causing it? Maybe it is just for those of us who led an almost monastic life for all this time? We will only know after all this is over, if then. 

It is insane to think that the end is literally a fraction of the time in seclusion, but it seems to be out of reach. I say that while even knowing people who have been fully vaccinated! We have drawn down into the singular, that is to say, unless it happens to me, I'll believe it. While this attitude is not good when facing a pandemic, it seems odd when one is about to leave it.

Because this is a massive country dealing with it and not a singular city as in "The Plague, there will not be a singular even that will announce that it is over. People will slowly be getting it and one by one the liberation will happen. I am almost certain that when the year ends, there will be some sort of mass celebration, most likely on New Year's Eve to finally have a communal ritualistic farewell to this season of pestilence. Face it, we like celebrations.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but I am planning on ending this when I am finally allowed to go out into the world, which would mean three weeks after my final vaccination. At that point, I'll cross over into the land of the liberated and be allowed into the new old world. 

But that may not be for some time and all that is left is waiting. I am sure that the number of infections will rise with many people no longer caring, but I am going to stay put and go for the long game victory. 

That being said, the idea of "a long time" is something I am no longer sure I understand anymore.

A Birthday During Pandemic

 Like everyone else, I am today having a birthday under the reign of the pandemic...and it sucks.

While I am not one to look forward to celebrate the anniversary of my birth, getting out of the house and going out distracts the mind and reminds one of a greater world. This one is without that. But, this is a decision to take a hit for the team, not an absolute need.

We have just shipped a new Johnson and Johnson one shot, 75% effective vaccine. Even though there are still over 1,000 deaths a day, states are opening up most (if not all) public gathering places with limited capacity. As I type this, the news is stating that there is a worry about another wave coming with Spring Break coming up and the restrictions loosening. I will venture to guess that there will be an uptick because the numbers do not mean as much anymore. A year ago, these numbers would strike fear into everyone. Now, it seems like nothing, a few unseen losses that are nothing compared to a return to restricted freedom. The numbers now mean nothing, trust me on that.

Personally, this time of year always makes me reflect on the past years, especially the one I am leaving behind. This year it became a psychological and emotion void. I can compare this past year to no other, so all reference points are gone. What did I do. Nothing of any great note. No major projects, no major changes. I stayed inside. I needed to remind myself that making the sacrifice of isolation when one is able to is the biggest thing one can do. Still, it is hard to make that seemingly paradoxical leap that doing nothing means doing something.

A year from now, if I am allowed to see my next birthday, this will most likely seem like a strange fever dream. Habits will return and now dry rivulets of experience shall either begin to run and/or new ones will arrive. In order to survive, humanity pushes the darker moments far away so as to focus on the present and make plans for the future. I doubt that any of us shall speak of it much, as the danger to our lives will be gone. Even now, the only real discussion about the virus is asking everyone if they got it yet, not about the infections and deaths that are still going on. The light at the end of the tunnel has become the focal point, not the distance to reach it.

So, my birthday shall come and go as all the other days have: wake, do a shadow of what my work once was, finish the day by watching news and late night shows on the computer. Then, forcing oneself to got to sleep and repeat the same process. I am also taking note that I should be grateful, very grateful, that I am still alive and never got the virus. But that prayer of thanks that should be a trumpet call of joy is now a mumble, as it has been said day after day for the past year. How strange that one can grow weary of a sincere prayer of gratitude for not dying...

When the great unfolding begins, it will most likely be slow and in stages. It is unlikely that there will be a major celebration on a specific day, though my guess is that there will be an epic New Year's Eve celebration when heard immunity is in full stand and all families can gather again. We will exit 2021 with the belief that this is all behind us, never to return. 

On this birthday, I wish to just be able to keep going to see the end of this, to live to tell the tale and thrive after it is gone. The world is going to change, as we will be living with the changes this past year put into place from here on out. Maybe there will be, as has happened during previous plagues, a season of great rebirth? Maybe? 

My birthday wish is to never forget this time and to be grateful every single day I am done with this exile within my own life.

Central Park: Full of Ghosts

 By the time I post this, the number of deaths from the pandemic will be at 500,000, half a million dead. Can you grasp such a number? Can you?

Back in the early 1980's, I remember listening to a live broadcast of the Simon and Garfunkel reunion concert in Central Park, NYC. The news came out that there were half a million people at the concert, a mind bending amount that not even Simon or Garfunkel knew until they were back at their separate apartments after the show and were watching the news. They could not comprehend that number, and they were in the middle of it. Well, I don;t think that we cna comprehend it for the same reason.

In a short time, it will be a year since the lock down. I don;t think there is a person out there who does not know of someone who has not gotten the virus, been hospitalized by it, or died from it. But, when there is no way of stopping the numbers from rising, perspective becomes impossible. One only fully begins to understand the destruction of war once armistice has been called. The amount of winning or loss only comes from one leaves the gambling table. We are in the middle of this and it is far from ending.

Let me clarify that last statement. I know of people who have gamed the system and gotten the vaccine even though they do not fit the requirements to get it. Yes, they lied and got the vaccine. It seems easy enough if you are willing to drive over an hour to get it. While I am more than willing to drive that far, I just can't do such a thing because of, well, karma. Yes, there are debates that it does not matter because if it is not used, the vaccine will be disposed of at the end of the day. Fair enough to the lucky few who wind up in the right place at the right time and get it. But, it just feels very smarmy to lie and get it early.

There is a long road till this is over in full. The news is saying that, by the present calculations, by the end of the Summer, most people will have gotten the vaccine. But, life going back to anything close to normal will not happen by the end of the year. Also note, Winter will begin at the end of December, so vaccines will most likely be needed again for the new year. I have been isolated so long that I cannot comprehend the Summer, much less another Winter. The days just flow onward the same as the previous. Anything that you may want to do today, you can just put off till tomorrow. 

But let's follow the money for the real plan. As I was driving home from the post office, I heard that the behemoth concert promoter, Clear Channel, has booked many outdoor shows in NYC for the Summer. I believe that I have heard that the NYC Opera will be opening in the Autumn. There are millions and millions of dollars at stake and these organizations are desperate to get back to making money, so their best guess seems to be something of a safe bet. The numbers of deaths and infections IS going down, but the new variants of the virus may cause another spike. Vaccine distribution, while better, is still a mess. 

So, if you get a chance, go online and search for Simon and Garfunkel's Concert in Central Park. The music is great and the stage setting is very cool. But, when they do a crowd shot or when you hear the crowd go bonkers for one of the songs, try to imagine a silence and mass death of that size. I am willing to bet you can't. No on can, as Camus said in "The Plague". As humans, we cannot comprehend the death of a single person in our lives that we care about. 

Half a million deaths and counting and we cannot even grasp the number 1.

On the Persistance of Time, Memory, and Habit

 I haven't posted in some time because....what is time these days?

I have taken my hit for the team and stayed in isolation for a year so as not to get, nor spread, the virus that is now mutating into a more virulent strain. But the "hit' for the team has broken me and I have lost all hold of my past life. And it sucks.

I understand that, on paper, this should now be the most hopeful of times. We have a new administration. We have three vaccines being produced for the masses. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. While all this is true, no one ever tells you how long the tunnel is, regardless of how brightt he light in the distance may be.

As of this writing, there are ways of cheating/gaming the system to have someone like me get a vaccine before I am supposed to. I could lie about my health, saying I am a smoker, I have high blood pressure, etc. If I did this, I could be considered someone who is at high risk and, if I were to hunt the internet and search like a bloodhound on meth for ANY opening ANYWHERE in New Jersey, I could get the vaccine and, within eight weeks, have my freedom back. I say this because I know of more than a few people who have gamed the system and gotten vaccinated early. Trust me, you can do it.

But this is not as cut and dry as it seems, or may seem. If one happens to be at a place that has extra vaccine at the end of the day, you can simply get it so they do not throw it away. It is literal Life Lottery. But even if you get it, even of you were allowed freedom upon the next sunrise, you would awaken into a world that is not what you used to have. You cannot go out to eat. All theaters are closed. All that you remembered as a life is gone, or, at the very least, deeply changed. That persistence of hopes and memories you have will not align with the world outside. You may be able to go to the gym as much as you like, but you will never be able to go see a play on Broadway or anywhere else. 

Also, riding demonic shotgun on this ride, is the fact that the news is now full of live reporting from the second impeachment of the past president. So, for the next many days, we shall be watching more and more of old and new footage of the insurrection that nearly collapsed the government a month ago.  And, like any prosecution worth their salt, the people are showing new and more disturbing footage of the events. Just when you thought you could breath easy, memories of a past most of us would like to forget are coming back and being put on repeat all day, every single day. While I believe that one should not forget the crimes of the past so as not to repeat them, it is all a bit much.

Personally, time has lost any reference to the past. I have slept more in the past year than I did the past ten. Literally. My life of caffeine and motion has been reduced to just doing what needs to be done for the day and nothing more. And I know that I am blessed because I can pull this off and not be thrown out of my house and still not go hungry. Yes, my perspective is blessed and I would be a horrible human being to say as such. Yet, it would be a lie to say that I am not broken by this situation. Even if my place is not one of either abject poverty or insane wealth, I believe it must be told. Why? Because I am sure that there are many other people like me who need their stories told within this plague.

I shall persist to go onward into this unknown. My best guess is, unless something amazing happens, I will be getting vaccinated somewhere in the Summer. But once one is vaccinated, you still have to stay inside for a few weeks to have the antibodies replicate. I look forward to writing about waiting within hope. But now, I am waiting within a theoretical hope based on things that have yet to even begin to develop.

Know you can persist within a plague, but know your memories and habits can be both bricks and wings upon your back.

The Numbers Keep Changing: The Poisons are Blooming

 We are now in a new year, and all the poisons are blooming.

I have not posted in some time for many reasons, one of them being the state of lethargy that consumed my during the holiday season. They days passed like all others have for the past ten months: inside and insular in every way. While the online video chats with people I miss were lovely, it was not the same.  There is a distance that is growing between everyone.

To make matters even worse, though by no means unexpected, a new and more virulent mutation of the virus has been found and is spreading. The first spotting was in London and very soon after was found in the US, more specifically in New York and other places. So, as this state borders NYC, the strain is most likely here. The numbers for the virus in this town are no longer being given, but there are people posting it online. There were 89 cases in this town yesterday. This means that things are ramping up and the wave is beginning to gain strength, but nowhere near here. But there is another thing to be spoken about. 

In past posts, I spoke about the underlying hum of a civil war coming. Well, it has arrived. On Wednesday, armed groups broke into the government buildings in Washington DC. It was surreal to watch this happen in real time while sitting on the couch. It was too much to process. As of this writing, five people have died, one a police officer who was beaten with a fire extinguisher. Without going into details that you can find everywhere else, there is more violence planned for the week of the inauguration, which is a week from now. Honestly, I was expecting more damage simply because it has been building for the past five years (actually more than that) and there were signs in the weeks before that were literally out in the open. 

In general, it seems that people are just overwhelmed by all that is going on. Let's not forget that there is a deep economic crisis going on now that is being hidden by the pandemic and now the political upheaval. We were broken before this week and now we are just numbly riding this wave. people are not wearing masks or not wearing them properly. Restaurants and gyms are still open. The vaccine is not getting administered in nearly the amount hoped for and the political unrest yet to come is going to make this even harder. 

So, it seems that we are headed into a full bloom of all the poisons out there. It is going to be a very dark winter. We did not take the virus nor the political unrest seriously when it could have been calmed before the deepest damage could be done. There is no way around it now, physics being what it is. The wave is coming and we cannot stop it.

Personally, I am just weary and numb. My life as I used to know it is gone. Even when this is over, it will be a long road out. I have no hope of a life better than it was before. At best, it will be a painful reunion with an open world of possibility. Before this multiple plague state, I was hoping for a new start in many ways. My life, while not perfect, was going in the right direction after making decisions for change. But that change was based on the income I had and the ability to be with other people. As it stands now, getting the vaccine and waiting enough time for it to take effect properly will happen in the Summer...hopefully. 

Whether or not we will admit it, there has been a fire raging since last March. As the free will of the people has chosen to ignore its ferocity, the roof is coming down and the gas lines are about to ignite. This fire, like all fires, destroys all that it can ignite and leaves behind either what it cannot reach or what cannot be taken down. What will stand in the end is what cannot be broken and all shall have to be rebuilt. 

And we must not forget what Dr. Rieux said at the end of "The Plague": 

And, indeed, as he listened to the cries of joy rising from the town, Rieux remembered that such joy is always imperiled. He knew what those jubilant crowds did not know but could have learned from books: that the plague bacillus never dies or disappears for good; that it can lie dormant for years and years in furniture and linen- chests; that it bides its time in bedrooms, cellars, trunks, and bookshelves; and that perhaps the day would come when, for the bane and the enlightening of men, it would rouse up its rats again and send them forth to die in a happy city.

I was hoping to place that quote at the end of this blog, but it seems that is not the case. We are living through both meanings of the text: an actual pandemic that is killing thousands each day and political upheaval that seems to be revolting for fascism. 

While I do not think that Camus ever could have imagined both being present at the same time, I am sure he would not have been surprised.

Christmas in Time of Pandemic: A Mirco-Diary

 We Christmas Eve not going anywhere, while I prayed the packages I sent priority mail six days prior would arrive for Christmas.  We awoke and saw nobody except each other. I went out and drove around for two hours, dropping off homemade baked goods to friends...without going near them. I called some people out of state and was told that my gifts did not arrive, as the postal system, now broken to pieces via the present administration, has almost collapsed. I came home and saw some beloved relatives via the internet for about an hour. 

It was a holiday without the presence of human touch and closeness. It sucked. It was soul crushing. But it just seemed like another day in the now endless chain of days without human contact. As I drove around, i saw houses with many many cars parked out front. This meant people were gathering. This meant the virus would most likely spread and cause the prediction of the next six to eight weeks being a hell of misery and death would most likely come to pass...and we have not even gotten to the New Year's Eve gatherings.

Our wait for an exit from this hell is arriving, as vaccines are already being given in this state. But not for those who are healthy. Those who need it the most get it first, and for that I am grateful. I am guessing I will be given the vaccine sometime in late Spring or early Summer. Until then, it is all a repeat of the same day with some variation.

A beloved friend texted me and said we had to go to lunch while he is off work for an extended break. While my soul is screaming to see a truly beloved friend, I just cannot go into a restaurant. Not now. Not when the end is so close. 

I am truly numb from the sacrifice and isolation of the past ten months, but, since the narrative end is in sight, I'll take the punches for the extended chapters I hope to be able to write.

The Daily Numbers... While Waiting for Salvation.

 They are posting the daily number of deaths from the virus while we are waiting for the vaccine to be delivered to the masses. It is a mixed message at best.

I realize that it is surprising that I did not post on the day the first vaccine was released, but it is not that simple. Yes, there is officially a light at the end of the tunnel via two vaccines being delivered to people as I type this. But, these doses are being given to front line people: doctors, nurses, police, etc., as well as those in group homes and the elderly. This makes sense. These people are needed to keep things going and are at the highest risk of death. I have no problem with this part of the present situation.

However, there is a dark edge to the vaccine. It is, in the end, a product, a piece of something that is manufactured and can be bought...for the right price. The political leaders, many of whom were fiercely against the reality of the virus being real,  are the first in line for the shot. No, my friends, they are not so dedicated to their beliefs against the reality of this plague that they would turn down the vaccine against it. This is the very definition of cowardice at the ultimate level. And, it's on tape.

Also, it is no shock that the hyper-wealthy are getting the vaccine because, well, they can pay whatever it takes to get it. There is no equality in such a situation. They will get the vaccine and they will live fine and dandy. The rest of us, however, are getting ready for another six to eight weeks of hell.

The present number of deaths is 318,782 (1,114 deaths today), and that is going to just keep getting higher in the two months ahead because, well, people still choose to gather for the holidays even though the medical community is screaming that people just stay home. But, in this land of personal freedom over a cause for the greater good of all, we will easily hit four hundred thousand deaths before the end of February, and over half a million by the time the theoretical flag of a possible victory in the upcoming Summer/early Autumn.  Over half a million people dead that should never have had to die. I cannot even begin to imagine the amount of joy that would be needed to rise over that literal mountain of dead bodies.

And, yes, there IS a different feeling these days. There is finally a narrative thread that will lead to some ending. This vaccine is the hero to save humanity. This vaccine will set things back to a place where the light of a former normal may begin to arise. We all now know an ending shall arrive. But there is still pain, a great deal of pain that is going to keep coming and not stop when we can all go out to eat again. Personally, my life has been shattered and I cannot imagine what I will have to do to have a new career. Life for those in the lower rungs of the entertainment industry and independent contractors has been a bloodbath. there will be no immediate switch back on to resume where we left off. We will be having to start over within a new landscape that is utterly unknown. 

The hope is now in place that we shall be free of this plague. But, unlike in Camus' book, it will not be as when the town erupted into the mass of joy with the gates reopen and the trains coming back into town. While it may be possible that the virus will simply leave as the bubonic plague did, I do not believe that a virus that is basically a flu shall behave as such. We have been placed in a long game, as this flu will most likely be around for the rest of our collective life. 

This hope, while real, is temporary and fragile because we all know we will have to deal with its shadow past and lingering presence long after we are able to gather together again in public and private.