Christmas in Time of Pandemic: A Mirco-Diary

 We Christmas Eve not going anywhere, while I prayed the packages I sent priority mail six days prior would arrive for Christmas.  We awoke and saw nobody except each other. I went out and drove around for two hours, dropping off homemade baked goods to friends...without going near them. I called some people out of state and was told that my gifts did not arrive, as the postal system, now broken to pieces via the present administration, has almost collapsed. I came home and saw some beloved relatives via the internet for about an hour. 

It was a holiday without the presence of human touch and closeness. It sucked. It was soul crushing. But it just seemed like another day in the now endless chain of days without human contact. As I drove around, i saw houses with many many cars parked out front. This meant people were gathering. This meant the virus would most likely spread and cause the prediction of the next six to eight weeks being a hell of misery and death would most likely come to pass...and we have not even gotten to the New Year's Eve gatherings.

Our wait for an exit from this hell is arriving, as vaccines are already being given in this state. But not for those who are healthy. Those who need it the most get it first, and for that I am grateful. I am guessing I will be given the vaccine sometime in late Spring or early Summer. Until then, it is all a repeat of the same day with some variation.

A beloved friend texted me and said we had to go to lunch while he is off work for an extended break. While my soul is screaming to see a truly beloved friend, I just cannot go into a restaurant. Not now. Not when the end is so close. 

I am truly numb from the sacrifice and isolation of the past ten months, but, since the narrative end is in sight, I'll take the punches for the extended chapters I hope to be able to write.

The Daily Numbers... While Waiting for Salvation.

 They are posting the daily number of deaths from the virus while we are waiting for the vaccine to be delivered to the masses. It is a mixed message at best.

I realize that it is surprising that I did not post on the day the first vaccine was released, but it is not that simple. Yes, there is officially a light at the end of the tunnel via two vaccines being delivered to people as I type this. But, these doses are being given to front line people: doctors, nurses, police, etc., as well as those in group homes and the elderly. This makes sense. These people are needed to keep things going and are at the highest risk of death. I have no problem with this part of the present situation.

However, there is a dark edge to the vaccine. It is, in the end, a product, a piece of something that is manufactured and can be bought...for the right price. The political leaders, many of whom were fiercely against the reality of the virus being real,  are the first in line for the shot. No, my friends, they are not so dedicated to their beliefs against the reality of this plague that they would turn down the vaccine against it. This is the very definition of cowardice at the ultimate level. And, it's on tape.

Also, it is no shock that the hyper-wealthy are getting the vaccine because, well, they can pay whatever it takes to get it. There is no equality in such a situation. They will get the vaccine and they will live fine and dandy. The rest of us, however, are getting ready for another six to eight weeks of hell.

The present number of deaths is 318,782 (1,114 deaths today), and that is going to just keep getting higher in the two months ahead because, well, people still choose to gather for the holidays even though the medical community is screaming that people just stay home. But, in this land of personal freedom over a cause for the greater good of all, we will easily hit four hundred thousand deaths before the end of February, and over half a million by the time the theoretical flag of a possible victory in the upcoming Summer/early Autumn.  Over half a million people dead that should never have had to die. I cannot even begin to imagine the amount of joy that would be needed to rise over that literal mountain of dead bodies.

And, yes, there IS a different feeling these days. There is finally a narrative thread that will lead to some ending. This vaccine is the hero to save humanity. This vaccine will set things back to a place where the light of a former normal may begin to arise. We all now know an ending shall arrive. But there is still pain, a great deal of pain that is going to keep coming and not stop when we can all go out to eat again. Personally, my life has been shattered and I cannot imagine what I will have to do to have a new career. Life for those in the lower rungs of the entertainment industry and independent contractors has been a bloodbath. there will be no immediate switch back on to resume where we left off. We will be having to start over within a new landscape that is utterly unknown. 

The hope is now in place that we shall be free of this plague. But, unlike in Camus' book, it will not be as when the town erupted into the mass of joy with the gates reopen and the trains coming back into town. While it may be possible that the virus will simply leave as the bubonic plague did, I do not believe that a virus that is basically a flu shall behave as such. We have been placed in a long game, as this flu will most likely be around for the rest of our collective life. 

This hope, while real, is temporary and fragile because we all know we will have to deal with its shadow past and lingering presence long after we are able to gather together again in public and private.

The Beaches are Full for the Tsunami

 Sorry for the long time since writing, but it is hard to write in a secluded hotel room when the people on the beach are dancing to the tsunami warning.

Thanksgiving was surreal in its lack of precedent and insular nature. To make matters more fun, the supermarket ran out of turkey, so we had chicken instead. A Zoom meeting allowed the seeing of some beloved relatives. But it was insular and rather crushing.

While I chose to stay inside during the holidays, millions did not and we are getting ready to have a massive wave of infections, hospitalizations, and deaths happen. This is going to be made much worse by the fact that Christmas and New Years will cause more people to gather and get infected. The general consensus is that, by mid January, there will be an astounding amount of people in hospitals. Right now, the staff is burnt out from the past eight months and are going to have to deal with something beyond historical reference. This will be soul crushing.

But people are still not wearing masks, not distancing. I was raking leaves outside without a mask because, well, I was alone, outside, and the streets were quiet. I look up, and a jogger comes three feet from be, breathing heavy and without a mask.  I just froze in place. The guy was breathing right at my face! Did I mention there was no traffic and he could have avoided me by at least thirty feet without any effort? With my luck, THIS will be the way I get the virus.

Basically, what is happening is that the states will not shut down again because they need the money in taxes from the businesses. The federal government is giving no support, so things are bad. The Supreme Court just upheld the right for places of worship to stay open. Restaurants are open with limited capacity. It is all about money. Period. End of argument. 

It does not take a genius to understand that gyms, places of worship, and restaurants are the places that give the highest transmission rates. An enclosed area, with and without masks. There you go. People want their old life back, even while their house is burning around them. 

In this part of the country, it will take another flood of hospitalizations to overwhelm the staff to have another lockdown. I believe that will happen and the timing will be horrible. The wave will most likely crash when the senate race in decided in Georgia and the new president will be sworn in. There are still people who believe that the election was a fraud and that the president will somehow be able to turn it around and stay in power. Yes, we are all watching a coup being attempted while we have well over two thousand people die each day from the virus. You just go numb. Trust me.

This stunning death race is a reflection of who we are as a country. The actions people have chosen and not chosen to do is who we are. It is understandable that restaurants and businesses are screaming because of the loss of business and bankruptcy. My own income was cut in half, and it was already anemic before the pandemic. So, I truly understand and empathize. And my life will not be going back to normal any time soon after this breaks. There is a very good chance that I will have to do a severe career change within the next two years or sooner and spending the majority of my life at my craft. While I know I am not the only one to whom this is happening, it is unbearably painful.

We have become a consumer nation and that is how we define ourselves. If we cannot consume, we do not feel alive. With the advent of the digital age and all of the blessings it has brought, we are amusing ourselves to death. And desire feeds desire, so we always want more, no matter what happens to others. This is by no means the totality of the nation, but it seems to be a growing part, perhaps the majority. The past administration and it lack of action to save literally hundreds of thousands of lives is the most stark representation of that attitude. 

Everyone is out on the beach playing and they are using the warning sound of the of the tsunami emergency to dance to.